


how pathetic is that?

by fanderanddbhfan



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: (sort of), Abused Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amanda (Detroit: Become Human) Being an Asshole, Angst, Bad Parent Amanda (Detroit: Become Human), Connor (Detroit: Become Human) Deserves Happiness, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) Needs a Hug, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) is Bad at Feelings, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor-centric, Convin, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Elijah Kamski & Gavin Reed are Siblings, Established Relationship, Gavin Reed Being Less of an Asshole, Gavin Reed Needs a Hug, Gavin Reed Not Being an Asshole, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pink LED means Romantic Feelings, Poor Connor, Post-Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human), Reed800 - Freeform, Sad Connor (Detroit: Become Human), also let me know if i should bump it down to teen, comment for me to add any other tags, i did mature just to be safe, no beta we die like men, not mentioned but Green LED means Joy and Cheerfulness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:08:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27649313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanderanddbhfan/pseuds/fanderanddbhfan
Summary: Gavin had no idea.
Relationships: Connor/Gavin Reed
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44





	how pathetic is that?

**Author's Note:**

> i love making myself suffer
> 
> now you get to suffer with me :D

Gavin sighed as he entered his and Connor's apartment. Usually they would go out together for a walk, but, that day, Connor said he wasn't really feeling up to it. In fact, he had been acting a bit off since they had woken up. _Chill out. He's probably just tired._ He took off his shoes and his coat, putting them back, and started to make his way toward their shared bedroom.  
  
"Hey, I'm home." He called out, quieter than usual in case Connor was asleep, or, well, in... _fuck, what did he say it was called again? Started with an S... stas... stasis! There we go. Honestly, my memory is a pile of steaming hot bullshit at this point._ Either way, he didn't receive a response. Assuming Connor was asleep, he tried to be as quiet as he could while walking up to the door. _I'll just grab my phone then let him get some rest._ Opening the door, he was surprised to see his boyfriend with his knees tucked up to his chin, head buried in his arms as he sat on the bed.

"Connor?" Gavin tried in vain to get his attention. Growing concerned, he slowly walked up to him, so as not to startle him. "You okay?" Still no response. He placed a gentle hand on Connor's shoulder, which made the android turn his head away. Gavin felt even more worried when he saw Connor's red LED. "Con, please look at me..."

Connor finally raised his head up and faced Gavin. He looked... miserable. It was clear he had been crying, and the look on his face made Gavin's heart want to shatter. Sitting down on the bed next to him, he tried to coax him into saying something. "Babe... what's wrong?" Connor avoided his eyes and curled in on himself further, wiping his face with a shaky hand.

"It's... it's stupid." Connor's voice was quiet and hoarse. "I don't know why I'm so upset over it." That... that didn't sound good.

"Connor, it's not stupid if it's making you upset." Gavin pointed out in a soft tone. "Please tell me?" Connor looked back over at him.

"I... I just feel like... I'm not doing enough." He answered. "I don't know, it's just... I used to have a purpose. A mission. I didn't focus on anything else, because... that was all I needed. Now... I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing." Connor sighed. "And, it just makes me think... well..." He trailed off and looked back down at his knees for a while. Just as Gavin was about to get him to continue, he spoke in a tiny whisper. "What would she think of me now?"

Gavin was confused. "...She? Who... who are you talking about?" He asked.

Connor bit his lip. "Her name is Amanda. She was... maybe still is, I really don't know, but, anyway, she's an AI in my system designed to remind me of my mission. Keep me on task... take disciplinary measures." He added quietly. "She resides in a place in my mind where I used go to report to CyberLife about the progress I had made in stopping the spread of deviancy. She was... comforting. She reassured me that what I was feeling was... normal. I wasn't a deviant for being troubled... I was just being put in a difficult situation. Her words helped. She was almost motherly, in a way. She took care of me. Even when... well, even when I fucked up." He huffed out a watery laugh.

Gavin listened intently, but... he felt like something wasn't right. _There has to be more to this._ "...But?"

Connor's eyes darkened a little. "...She wasn't always like that. Of course, I... deserved it, but... sometimes the garden she was in wasn't so sunny. It got icy whenever she did. Violently windy and stormy... when she was violent too. Sometimes, it wasn't that bad, but... other times... she would use my ability to feel pain to her advantage." He then looked back up at Gavin, almost as if he needed to clear something up. "Not that it was for no reason. I wasn't the best at following orders, and she was trying to get me to step back in line. It was what she was made for... CyberLife wanted to turn me into the perfect prototype. Either way, she didn't really hurt me. It was just me being sensitive." He sounded more like he was trying to convince himself than convince Gavin, and that did not sit right.

"What would she do to you?" Gavin asked, now extremely alert. Connor shrunk away from him, not answering. "If it really wasn't that bad, then... tell me. What kinds of things?"

Connor didn't look back up at him, but reluctantly responded. "She would... well, it depends what I did. Minor slip ups didn't warrant anything more than... shouting. Harsh words. I'd probably only get hurt a little if it wasn't a big mistake I made." He spoke a bit too casually. "But... sometimes, I'd do something that... set her off." Fear was evident in his eyes, but also... longing? "I'd be in the garden for at least half an hour, usually more. It was all in my mind, so I wasn't physically harmed, of course, but... it was a bit jarring to see the contrast between dark blue thirium and white snow for the first few times."

Gavin was too shocked to speak, so he just let Connor continue.

"The thing was, if things did get physical, afterwards... she wouldn't yell anymore. She would just kneel down next to me, and... tell me what I already knew, but just... couldn't seem to get through my head. That everything would be alright, as long as I didn't make the same mistakes again. As long as I didn't betray her, she would be there for me. There would be no more pain." Connor had a tiny, sad smile on his face. "That didn't stop me from fucking up at every turn, though. I... well, I deserved what I got." He sighed. "But, now, I don't... I don't know if she's even there anymore. I... miss her." He then shook his head and ran a distressed hand through his hair. "What am I even saying...? I shouldn't want her back in my mind. She hurt me... but... sometimes... I can still hear her. I can still hear her comforting me... and that's all I'm able to think about. How I betrayed her... how pathetic is that?"

Gavin finally understood. At least, somewhat. Understood why Connor hated the snow. Why he flinched when people turned around too quickly, or raised their voices, or... or told him to look them in the eye. Connor was abused and manipulated by someone he cared about... much like him. "Connor..." He whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. "I... god, Connor, I'm... I'm so sorry." He breathed. Connor looked over at him and didn't say anything, his own eyes watery.

"It's not... it's fine, Gav, really..." Connor didn't look like he believed it, and neither did Gavin as he gently pulled Connor into a hug, who immediately returned it, clinging onto his partner.

"It's not fine. She hurt you... and she manipulated you... that's... that's abuse, Connor. You didn't deserve any of that..." Gavin assured him, rubbing circles into his back. "But... it's normal to miss her. My dad, well... he wasn't the nicest, and my mom was lucky enough to escape with Elijah, but... I still find myself missing him sometimes. Sometimes, you just... you just want to forget about all the pain, and remember the few good times. The times where they made you feel like you mattered, and not the ones where they tore you down and... broke you. And you know that you shouldn't want that back, but... you do." He shifted so the taller man could lay his head down on his shoulder. "It's hard, but just know that... I don't think of you any differently." Gavin smiled a bit. "You're still my Connor. Your past doesn't change a thing."

Connor's LED blinked from yellow to pink. He rested his head in the crook of Gavin's neck and sighed, feeling exhausted, but reassured by his partner's words. He knew that Gavin had gone through some similar things in the past, and, though that wasn't exactly a good thing, it gave him the tiniest bit of hope, that...

Maybe...

They could help each other heal.

One step at a time.

**Author's Note:**

> *sobs*


End file.
